Misogyny by the Minute

What decent men don’t know they don’t know, about what women suffer at the hands of men

Things No One Told Us - simple, actionable ways to improve your life

Ok. Firstly, I’d like to say thank you to a whole lot of people (mostly women), who are a whole lot smarter than me, for helping me write this.

Next, let’s address this: 

I’m a man. Secondly, I’m white. Thirdly, I’m cishet. 

So, yeah. I’m a cishet, white man. To that note, hopefully, as you read this, it will become clear I don't consider myself any sort of saviour. I do, though, consider this to be a topic more men need to be engaged in.

Now, some obvious stuff: men are making women feel unsafe. Men are making women feel uncomfortable. Men are harassing women. Men are abusing women. Men are harming women. Men are raping women. Men are murdering women. 

And some more obvious stuff: no, not all men are doing these things. But then, not all men eat their own children. But, like that, if even one man does any of the above, that’s one too many.

I work in an industry that’s especially bad at this. Someone close to me, in their first experience with someone very senior in my industry, was told to sleep their way in. They were subsequently told that to not do so, would be a poor move, strategically, based on the way they looked, and what they ‘had to offer’. Unsurprisingly, they never spoke to this individual again. Like them, I fear what the expectations would have been, if they did.

Things are far from equal. Things are far from good. Yet, still, I can hear other white men reading this, screaming; “Don’t poketh the hornet’s nest. Lest ye be stung”. 

This is not an exaggeration. I have genuinely had men say this to me, in social situations, albeit in less antiquated language. Usually, it's something more along the lines of "I'm a white man in my X’ties. This isn't a topic I go anywhere near. Definitely not publicly. Neither should you."

The feeling of “it’s not my place to say” is only contributing to this problem. In a smaller, but still very real way, so is men’s fear of being canceled. Or, of naive, but good intentions reversing, and well-meaning men being publicly shamed. 

Most men don’t talk about this. Most men won’t talk about this. If the topic comes up, they stay silent and bury their attention in their pint glass. They pretend it isn’t happening. Or worse, they let their ego get in the way.

There’s something about inequality, misogyny, and sexism pushed to the extremes, such as murder and rape, that when covered, or spoken about, publicly, triggers some men’s big, silly, stupid egos. They see #metoo on social media, or the totally justified, public emotional outpouring, in response to the murder of Sarah Everard (and the exchanges between the police and the public in the subsequent weeks), and a little voice in their head says:

“Well, I’m a man. I don’t rape, murder, or pillage. Dave (over the road) doesn’t, either. There are others like us, I’m sure of it.” Ipso facto… not all men are like that. Done. Dusted. Sweep it under the rug. Pretend it isn’t happening. Pretend it isn’t a problem.”

There might be some logic in us and Dave not being rapists or murderers, which might suggest some other men also are not. But it isn’t going to change the cultural landscape, or the gendered rape, violence, and murder statistics any time soon, is it?

This year, I’ve been part of a group of mentors to a class of 15-16-year-old girls. In one session we covered societal issues, and gender inequality was chosen by the students from an extensive list. In that session I discovered that amongst less than ten girls, one had been stabbed by a boy, another had been attacked, and a third said the following, very sincere words:

“I just don’t think I can, or will, ever completely trust a man. 

I don’t know if I will ever feel safe alone with a man.”

So, no, the average man is not a murderer or a rapist. But 96% of murderers are men. This means there is something intrinsic to male-ness which is violent. At the very least, significantly more violent than female-ness. It might sting to hear this, as a man, because the accusation feels personal, intimate, and individual. But the problem is not personal, intimate, and individual. It’s systemic, bigger than any one individual man who finds himself a small thread in a wide net of injustice.

Now, some might argue that little the conscientious readers of something like this think, say, or do, will influence the behaviour of the animals that populate that 96%. The thought goes something like this: “They’re thugs, who believe they have the right of use, abuse, and ownership of women. Thugs, who've spent their life building up barriers to survive in the extremes of the same maleness-dominated culture. Challenges of this sort get lacquered in WD40, and go in one ear, and out the other. Not to mention the normalisation. Some men that do these things literally don’t recognise it when it’s played back to them.”

But I'd argue back: culture is a bell curve. The waves created by the few, eventually create a sea that’s sailed by the many. These men learned this behaviour somewhere, from someone(s) or something(s), and their teachers had teachers, and their teachers had teachers, ad infinitum. It had to start somewhere. It has to end somewhere. 

Decent, conscientious guys worry so much about doing/ saying the wrong thing and creating any of the negative feelings discussed in this article, for women. They certainly punish themselves when they think they might have. But even these men, if they are honest, don’t want to be made to feel bad for the behaviour of their gender’s lowest common denominator. They do, however, want to know how to be better. Assuming most of us hang around with like-minded individuals, the act of “not cool, bro”, by a conscientious man, has a massive effect on his network. This small step forward, multiplied by billions, will shake the world. Men will always listen to men they respect and trust. We need to make this the men willing to have this conversation, not the men having conversations about who Vin Diesel punched in Fast & Furious 13.

I'm no expert on the topic. But biology would suggest a ‘single and looking’, heterosexual woman will at some point in her life be attracted to, and yes, maybe even eventually want to have sex with a particular heterosexual man.  

Now, we all like different sauces and seasonings with our chips. They come in many colours and flavours, and I am ready and willing to be corrected by any and all heterosexual women on this topic. But here are some traits I think a woman might find attractive in a man, in no particular order.

These are simply plucked from the hinter regions of my cerebral garden. They are hunches, not facts. But notice how not a single point is about a man's ability to comment on a woman's appearance, or body, or sexuality, or assume right of access, or ownership, to any of them. 

Known or unknown to the average man, he is part of a gender committing 96% of all murders. There is an asymmetry in sexual violence. This is the extreme manifestation of injustice. But even at the everyday level, this man is possibly and probably doing a whole bunch of stuff, on a minute-by-minute basis, that is making women feel patronised, condescended, unfairly or unequally treated, uncomfortable, and unsafe. 

It’s worse than any man thinks it is because there is such fear around the repercussions of reporting. Not to mention the shame victims can feel. Worse yet, we are undeniably passing this on to the next generation. In a new report School children are telling Ofsted that sexual harassment is a routine part of life:

-‘Girls suffer disproportionately from sexist name-calling, online abuse, upskirting, unwanted touching in corridors, and rape jokes on the school bus.

-Teachers “consistently underestimate” the scale of the problem. Sex education in schools was so out of touch with the reality of children’s lives that pupils turned to social media or their peers for information.’

I remember being 15. I had absolutely no idea about anything, whatsoever. In fact, the only thing I did know, was I wanted the world to think I knew everything, and had it all figured out. 

What does a 15-year-old boy in that situation do? He copies. He follows the boys and men around him, those he looks up to, those he admires. What does James Bond do? Do that. What do the older rugby players do? Do that. What’s negging? Do that. 

Suffice to say, this mimetic copying embedded a lot of conscious and subconscious behaviours in me, that I’m not proud of, that my wonderful wife has since knocked the living crap out of.

Fast forward to 2021: 97% of women you know have been sexually harassed. In one way or another, it’s a daily experience for women. The fact that some men hear that and respond “Pfft. That's bollocks” is kind of the problem itself, isn’t it?

If you want to solve a societal problem, a top-down and bottom-up approach needs to meet in the middle. Again, I hear the cries:

“Top-down? But we can’t control who runs our country, or our police forces, or our FTSE100 companies?”

We kind of can. It’s called democracy. But, for the sake of argument, let’s pretend, just for a second, we can’t. 

There’s never a great time to talk about this stuff. The next time a woman is raped or murdered at the hands of a man, we will care, we will post about it, and we will talk about it. We might even use it to hold men in our lives accountable. But, if all we ever do is wait for the pan to boil over, only put it right back on the same burner, it’s going to keep boiling over.

’Culture is the result of a trillion tiny acts, taken by billions of people, every day’ says Seth Godin. 

He’s absolutely right. But culture is also the result of the power structures it sits within. “Culture” is perpetuated by the elite, and the elite is male. Just look at our board rooms, our literary canon, our art, our government. They are regurgitating a dominant male culture. Like an algorithm mindlessly generating more of the same. 

For this to change, we have to tug at the fabric of society, every single one of us - a trillion tiny acts that slowly but surely pulls the rug out from under the feet of those in power and creates a new, kinder, more equal culture.

With that in mind, I’ve anonymously asked people to list all the ways they have been, or are made to feel patronised, condescended, unfairly or unequally treated, uncomfortable, and unsafe, by men, and suggest better, alternative behaviours.  

Some of the answers come from white women, some don’t. Some come from heterosexual women, some don’t. Some come from people who identify as women, some don’t. Their seniority in the professional world ranges from entry-level, all the way up to C-Suite/ business owner. 

Some of it might seem a bit obvious. But that which is obvious in thought is rarely common in practice. Besides, if it’s obvious and simple, we have no excuse for not doing it, right guys?

Now, I’m far from perfect. To the educated, what I know and practice on this topic is but a mere crumb to a starving person. So, I’m on this journey, and here to be educated, as much as anyone else reading this. This is why this isn’t about me, and isn’t about man-bashing, as much as it isn’t about pretending this gigantically fucking huge, very real problem doesn’t exist. 

It’s become sadly apparent we can’t fix this problem quickly, by the current, adult generation changing their behaviour. But if we change the way our children are raised, and the system they are raised in, we may have a hope of fixing this by the time they are as old and salty as we are.

What’s come to light in reading these answers, and others is how systemic the problem is. Fear and protective measures are ingrained in the female (identifying) population. We’ve created a culture where young women, on a night out, all having each other’s live locations, via Whatsapp, is not only normal but necessary. A culture where no one bats an eyelid at the thought of grown-adult, female colleagues having to confirm they have arrived home safely after a late finish. A culture where even exercise, one of the most health-promoting, empowering things a person can do for themselves, has to be performed by women knowing they are likely heading into trauma and abuse.

Recent research by Grazia, has found ‘four in five women still don’t feel safe walking home on their own after a night out.’

From an early age, we teach girls, both overtly, and in the subtext of their lives, that it’s their job to protect themselves, and not put themselves in vulnerable positions. We tell them the onus is on them - not to dress, or act provocatively, never to walk home, certainly not alone, and be mindful of the route they take. We tell them people need to know where they are at all times. 

Come Friday night, fathers with teenage sons and daughters pat their sons on the back, slip a £10 note into their hands, and wish them a fun evening with a wink. Then, their daughter descends the staircase, excited for the night ahead, and walks head-on into the infinitely-deflating and frustrating Spanish Inquisition. 

“Be careful” Dad says, “I know what men are like”. Yet, when confronted with the murder of Sarah Everard, Dad says “Well, not all men...”

Which is it, Dad?

We have built written and unwritten rules into how we bring women up. We’ve made it their job not to be raped, attacked, or murdered. Conversely, we haven’t made it men’s jobs not to rape, attack, or murder. This is even built into the language we use to talk about abuse - pointed out by Caroline Criado Perez. We say women have “been raped”, “been attacked”, or “been murdered”, by a man. This is using the passive, and making it the woman’s responsibility, as opposed to the active, which is to say that a man “has raped”, “has attacked”, and “has murdered”, making it the man’s responsibility. 

As with every case of systemic change, we need to start with the next generation. I want this to be a handbook I, and you, can use today, but also food for thought for how we will raise our children and a stark reminder that we have a long way to go.

Finally, to any man who might be reading this: 

If you've read this far, take a moment, and ask yourself: 

how are you feeling? Do you feel offended? Targetted? Accused of things you've not done? Blamed for things you're not responsible for?

That's a natural, valid feeling. But it's one that's worth investigating. Peel the onion. Why do you feel that way? Now ask why five times. What's the route of the feeling?

Anger is a secondary emotion. If we're angry. We were something else first. Try to understand where it's coming from, and speak to the initial emotion, not the anger.

The route of your feelings might be ego. It might be a disappointment in your own gender. It might be the conditioning of your upbringing. It might be guilt for your own past behaviour. It might be some frustration that no one told you it was wrong, or that older men you looked up to led you astray. Whatever it is, sit with it, and investigate it, because the problem most definitely isn’t women.

But, now, over to my friends.

Important note: There’s still so much to learn. I don’t want this to be the end of the contributions. I encourage people to comment on this post. Or, if they prefer something more private, they can request edit access to the original document, and I will add their contributions anonymously to this post.

What are men doing verbally, and non-verbally, in the following environments that make you, or have made you feel: patronised, condescended, unfairly or unequally treated, uncomfortable, and unsafe?

General

Unsolicited advice-giving

In the gym, at work, in general. I paint quite a bit as a hobby and recently a male friend (who hasn’t picked up a brush in his life) was looking at them and advising me on how to get a certain effect. If you genuinely have a level of expertise in something (i.e. have studied it, and not just been a male) then I’d love to have your advice. But it’s so galling to have things explained to me that I know significantly more about …and then have to smile and be grateful for their input – again, likability bias.

X

“Addressing outright discrimination is paramount, addressing lack of representation is also a big step in the right direction— but without addressing ad agency culture, I now believe day-to-day life in ad agencies is unlikely to meaningfully change for women.”

X

We exist, by the way

We’ve seen this so many times we know it’s universal, and based very much on gender:

If a man introduces himself to a mixed group and fails to acknowledge, shake hands, or say hi to someone, or a few people… it is almost always the women. Some men potentially don’t even know they are doing this. It’s so clayed into their subconscious that women are of less importance and therefore it isn’t necessary to introduce yourself or doesn’t matter if you fail to. The real ‘kick her while she’s down’ about this is men are always happy to acknowledge you if it’s because of sexual motivations. Gentlemen, maybe some of you don’t do this intentionally. But it stings just the same. So, if you are approaching a mixed group, make a conscious effort to either just say hi and give the whole group a wave, making contact with everyone. Or, if you are going to do the handshake and name exchange thing, ensure you do it with everyone, regardless of their identity. 

X

As soon as I read this article, my brain process started with: I’m lucky. I’ve not experienced any form of abuse or misogyny. Not any that has significantly impacted my life in a negative way. Then I realised how bizarre that sounded - that my first instinct was that I felt “lucky” to have not suffered because of my gender. I think that says a lot.

I realise now, I have been a “victim” of misogynistic and inappropriate/ harassing behaviour. I use “, for victim, because I didn’t feel like one at the time. What I experienced at the time I thought was normal. Nothing unusual, or crossing any lines. I think that says a lot too. The #metoo movement is a desperately necessary, but new revolution. It's made me realise behaviour I’ve experienced has been highlighted as not being okay. 

X

Don’t take women talking about their fears/worries/or being wary about men, personally. If a woman crosses the road to walk on the other side, don’t take it personally, it’s not you, it’s the potential of what you could do. The responsibility is always put on women to not put themselves in situations. If she was to stay on the path and be faced with a violent situation, one might question why she didn’t try to prevent the situation from happening. Men have the potential of being a threat, a threat to life, it’s awful but it’s true. It’s not an opinion, it's a fact. The statistics are scary. So, an awareness and understanding that, even though you know you are not a threat, a woman doesn’t know that, if she doesn’t know you. I don’t agree with the use of the phrase “men are trash”, I think it’s hate speech, and I can understand why a man would feel the need to defend that particular statement with... “not all men ''. But the thing to remember is… “not ALL men are trash, but ALL women are victims”.

X

From a young age, women are preconditioned to be wary of men and their impulsive behaviour, which can be harmful to us. I was prepped to expect the worst. My first unnerving experience happened when I was about 13. I was catcalled by a group of builders almost 3-4 times my age. This was perhaps my first time realising my vulnerability when out alone. This experience and other women’s stories have impacted me into adulthood. Simple things like ‘how late am I going to be out?’, ‘Do I try a different route or stay on the tried and tested route?’, not leaving my drink alone in a bar, out of fear that it could be spiked... are just some of the many reasons why actions and experiences matter.

Work/ the office - day-to-day

I was told to wear makeup and “dress a certain way” in a work performance review. It was clear to all in the room what a “certain way” meant. What do either of these things have to do with my performance?

A better behaviour: each job has its own unique level of formality when it comes to wardrobe. But no job should require you to wear make-up or dress in a way that pleases men. Equally, if a woman is not wearing make-up, or dressing in a way you find appealing, or attractive, it is not your place to comment. This is, again, to look at women through an objectified lens.

Work/ the office - meetings/ conference calls

Be aware of your natural inclination to interrupt/ talk over. Be mindful your voice is a different tone and more likely to be responded to by other members of meetings subconsciously. Make sure you’re listening and making room for the females in the room to speak and be heard.

X

Things I’ve said are frequently attributed to other men. I can’t tell you how many times a male boss will quote “something [insert male colleague] said the other day” and it will be something I’ve said. The problem is you can’t keep saying “actually that was me” because of the likability bias. In that instance, I come across as a dick, and my male colleague comes across as a nice guy and the bias is perpetuated. Credit is really important in the workplace, it’s how you build your worth and get promoted and ultimately, paid. Please stop giving our credit away to the most salient man in your head.

X

Some men feel the need to make explanations, typically to women, in a manner that is condescending or patronising. This behaviour is so common it even has its own word - mansplaining. I have noticed this more and more with the recent shift to online meetings where the technological barrier makes non-verbal communication challenging. What can men do about this? Be aware of your voice and whether you are overcompensating in your explanations. Don’t assume you are the only expert in the room. Don’t interrupt or talk over women. Above all, please listen.

Walking + out and about

Don’t catcall. Don’t comment on her appearance. Don’t walk too close behind her if you can help it. Don’t underestimate how uncomfortable she already feels and do everything you can to avoid making it worse.

X

I don’t know why, but if I’m walking down the road and a man is out on a run and coming the opposite way (towards me) 9 times out of 10 he will run really close to me. It’s horrible, it’s like he’s breathing and sweating all over me. I physically turn my head every time. I think it's either a) they want to be noticed or b) they have no sense of how much space they’re taking up. I’m not alone in observing this.

A better behaviour:  Please just give women space on the pavement. Try not to breathe heavily on them as you pass. And, of course, not forgetting, there is usually a pavement on the other side of the road, too.

X

I don’t care too much about being cat-called but can totally understand how it makes a lot of people feel uncomfortable. Whenever I get catcalled I always shout back with something witty taking the mick out of, either what they just said, or just them, to throw it back. (I’m more talking about catcalling when they’re in a car or out of a window, I maybe wouldn’t always talk back if I felt like it would put me in potential danger). To me, catcalling is a display of insecurity. When a man or woman catcalls, it’s usually because they’re with friends they want to impress by displaying their masculinity/confidence. Catcalling is taking on a position of power and display of dominance to embarrass, undermining a stranger, positioning them as a victim. No man catcalls to genuinely try and flatter, or pick up a girl. With that being the case, for a man to catcall to impress friends, really isn’t a display of covert masculinity but rather, a lack of self-confidence, by feeling the need to publicly display it, on passing strangers. This is at least how I view catcalling. It has no power over me, I see it only as a sign of weakness, so, when I get shouted at, I shout back with something sarcastic and witty. And I am still yet to experience a scenario where they enjoyed that. Throwing it back immediately takes away their power and they don’t like that. Embarrass them back. (And this doesn’t have to just be about men, women cat call too - it’s just “power politics''.)

I really do believe it’s such a small % of men who catcall, however it happens almost every time I walk on the streets alone. But what I get faced with more than catcalling, is men feeling the need to tell me to smile. Under what circumstances is that okay/normal/right to tell a stranger to smile? Again, another unwanted display of dominance - telling a woman how to look/act. It really stems from the societal expectation, that women need to play the always happy, unproblematic, carer role in society and that smiling would make her more attractive/prettier. 

Better behaviour: don’t catcall. Catcalling doesn’t make any sense, other than a desperate need to display some power and dominance. And if you’re really catcalling because you want to get yourself a date, you will be severely disappointed by its effectiveness. And don’t tell a stranger to smile, it’s rude and narcissistic, you don’t know how their day’s been, their cat might have died.

X

Less than 24 hours after you sent this… I went to the gym and was cat called by a male on the way there. Then walking back, some guy tried to start a conversation with me. I acknowledged his hello, smiled, and carried on walking. He called after me and then got in his car and followed me down the road for a bit. This was the first time I have walked to the gym without my partner. The truly sad part is, if you hadn’t brought this to my attention, with the article, I don't think I would have even thought twice about it, as it's such common ground in our lives. Even identifying females have subconsciously "accepted" it as their normal life experience. With it on my mind, after you reached out, I couldn’t help but spot the stark difference. We've been walking to the gym for weeks now, together, and nothing. Then, the first time I went alone, there were two incidents.

I would have loved to tell that guy in the car following me to fuck off. I would have loved to stand up for all women. But, knowing the consequences of so many women at the hands of men, it felt like such a risk. So, I didn't. My immediate reaction was passivism. That’s learned, and a result of the culture we live in. A culture where women have to assume the worst from men. A culture where we teach women to assume the worst from men. A culture where women have to behave in a way that avoids the worst of men. Even if it runs counter to what they want, or deserve.

A better behaviour: Hitch said ‘no woman wakes up saying “God, I hope I don’t get swept off my feet today!” But, sorry chaps, he was wrong. Don’t assume we do, or just as wrongly, assume we want it to be you, specifically, that does the sweeping. We might make the effort, or spend the time, or money, to look attractive, and that might even be for a certain man or a certain type of man. But don’t assume it’s for you. We do not do it to titillate you. It isn't an open invitation for unwanted attention. Just think about your process of dressing up for an occasion. Partly, you’re dressing for the occasion. Partly, you’re dressing to feel good about yourself, and carry that feeling with you into the occasion - confidence, and self-esteem. Then, maybe there is someone or a type of someone, you are dressing that way for. Unwanted attention from men on our appearance assumes the way we have made ourselves look is exclusively for attention from them, out of 7.6 billion people. Or, it signals they have so little respect for us as a human that they can simply comment on our appearance, regardless of how it affects our feelings, if it gives them a small feeling of power or dominance, or a small dopamine hit, to do so, in the same way they might make a joke about an animal at the zoo. I feel like I shouldn’t have to say this, but cat-calling, or following me in a car, is quite literally the antithesis of charm…

X

There are definitely wrong things to say if you approach a woman. But there is no perfect, right thing to say. It depends on what a man says, how he says it, who he is saying it to, and to whom it is being said. It's these factors that turn the dial.

With said factors, welcome, charming, and appreciated can instantly become creepy and scary. Imagine the phrase "hi" said calmly, politely, and kindly, in a public place, from a man to a woman who have BOTH exchanged several flirtatious, lingering looks...

Now imagine it grunted at a woman on the pavement. The man’s hanging out of the window of his car, as he crawls along behind her, on an empty street. Beyond how crude and inappropriate this is, think of the power the man has in this situation. He could literally run this girl over. Same words. Very different meanings.

In the positive direction, it's not about what you do or don't say. It's about the situation and how you read it. Women have to endure this stuff all the time. We’re engendered to be polite and not offend people. So, we will always try to reject politely. We turn back toward the bar. We end a conversation over and over again. Rarely will a woman say outright: "I am not interested. Stop talking to me". Men might see it in Hollywood comedies. But it isn't going to happen in real life. We won't be blatant. We might want to be left alone. But we don't want to offend, because we may be scared of what the reaction might be if we ask for that directly. The most important thing for men is to know when it's not wanted. Take the hint and drop it. It's persistence in the face of clear disinterest that makes the experience horrid and scary for women.

X

As a keen runner, I have experienced catcalling, car horn honking, and wolf-whistling. Why do men do this? Why do they think they have the right to put us down and victimise us in this way? Furthermore, why is it ok for a male to run without a shirt on a hot summer's day, but not for a female to run in her sports bra? And if she is brave enough to go out running in her sports bra, why then does she attract unwanted attention from male strangers? It’s unjust. 

A better behaviour: Put yourself in the women’s shoes and refrain from launching laddish abuse at her. Call out your friends if you see them doing it. Don’t laugh along. Remember, it’s not funny. 

X

I really struggled to go anywhere in my late teens without my Mum. Otherwise, I would receive exceptionally lewd comments.  This is awful behaviour to project at a woman of any age. But particularly disgusting to project at a teenager, who is still coming to terms with changes in their body, and most likely already receiving a plethora of unwanted attention for it, from their peers. What’s more, this adds to the confusion of someone still understanding the adult world, and how people treat each other, in it. I’m so grateful to have had my Mum as a strong role model during these times, to make it clear to me that this wasn’t right, this wasn’t just the way things were or something I should accept. This still happens to me as an adult, once, from a man with his child. I make sure I make a very clear, and firm point, that this is disgusting behaviour.

X

Reading through the above experiences of other women, I am horrified. Horrified by how so many women have to consider their every move in their everyday lives, just so they can feel safe anywhere they go. Horrified by the lack of judgment and empathy of the people making women feel uncomfortable. And horrified to realise how lucky and out-of-the-norm I have been to have been spared from these unpleasant encounters.

I am very grateful and somewhat privileged to have grown up in a very forward-thinking and safe country. I would be able to safely walk home from school alone or with my little friends at the age of eight and I never had to fear walking alone outside at any time of the day or night as a teenager either, even when it got dark at 3 pm. Fast forward to my earlyish twenties, when I was working late evenings in hospitality, in the same town I was brought up in. I still had no issues or fears walking home by myself late at night. At this time, my partner had just moved to my country to live with me, and he was shocked that I would walk home alone in the dark, even if home was only five blocks away. He started meeting me at work in the evenings and walk home with me.

Now, at first, I found this quite amusing. Never in my life had I been worried about my safety walking by myself, why should I now feel scared? Why would it be safer for him to walk alone to the restaurant I was working at than it would be for me to walk home alone after my shift? Soon, my amusement turned to sadness. My partner is from a society that to the outside seems not so different from mine. I slowly found out it is not. Matters of safety I took for granted in my country, such as small children walking to school by themselves, women feeling safe in the dark, even people leaving their dogs in the backyard without fear of them being stolen, were not a given in his. While the feminist in me was slightly annoyed that my partner didn’t think I was capable of getting home safely by myself, I also recognised the true concern he held for my safety, caused by the societal problems in his country. So, I let him meet me at work every night. 

Now, some might wonder why I am sharing this story, when I haven’t actually experienced any threatening situations. It is because I recognise that while my society is generally safe, bad things do still happen. I also recognise that my naivety could have, unfortunately, got me into trouble in a different setting. Even though it should of course not be down to the level of the naivety of the woman walking alone whether or not she ends up being harassed. But even more importantly, I share my example to highlight that with appropriate and inclusive education and through open and direct conversation, every society has the potential to become as safe as mine.  

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Driving/In Traffic

I cycle to work in peak hour traffic in a large city. Now, everyone who has ever ridden a bike knows that a flared pair of trousers is not the best option for cycling, hence, I wear black tights that cannot get stuck in the spokes or chains of my bike. This of course means that every curve of my body is exposed to those sharing the roads with me. This exposure doesn’t bother me until some men driving past yell out objectifying comments such as “Nice arse!” I know it is a nice arse, a guy trying to show off to his mate sitting in the driver’s seat doesn’t need to tell me this. Unfortunately, I highly doubt that the swarms of middle-aged men riding their road bikes on a Sunday morning receive the same treatment.

Usually, the men shouting comments like this to me receive in return an unsavoury hand gesture. This is not a reaction or behaviour I am proud of, in myself, but I would rather have these men know that I have feelings and I am not afraid to react to their rude remarks. Sometimes, I get another comment thrown at me, such as “Yeah, fuck you too bitch!” The fact of the matter is, however, that I would rather be seen as a bitch with some character than just a piece of meat. And unfortunately, in moving traffic where I am the underdog on my bike amongst cars and I have to constantly be vigilant to ensure my physical safety, I am not in a position to start up an educating conversation with the people making comments at me. 

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I was recently driving the return leg of a long journey, with this article knocking around in the back of my mind. I pulled into a service station and entered into the usual stream of thought.

"Where should I park? Not too far from the entrance, I'm on my own, and I have my daughter with me. Somewhere where there's good lighting, too. Not over there, lots of vans - too easy for someone to grab us and throw us in the back. Or, at a minimum, the odds of catcalling and unpleasant behaviour will increase. Don't park next to a car that doesn't have any other cars around it. Especially if it has a male driver - don't want to send the wrong message. Park amongst other cars. But not so many that someone couldn't see you if something happened..."

Having read your article triggered me to recognise this thought-stream. That's when I realised, things like this are running through my head on a regular basis, every day. I'm not an anxious person. So, I know I'm not alone here. It's sad, but this is normal for women in our culture - to always think, expect, or prepare for the worst. I can't imagine this is something men ever have to think about. It's so incredibly far-removed from their waking experience. So, guys, if a woman in your life is trying to talk to you about an experience like this, please, really do listen. Get out of your own head. Get away from trying to think of a great response. Don't simply wait for your turn to speak. Really, truly, listen. Understand, appreciate, and acknowledge that this is a very real thing for us, and be there to support us. You may not be able to fully relate, but that doesn't mean it isn't a very real, and valid fear for us.

On public transport

If there’s a spare seat then don’t take one next to a solitary female. If there isn’t, ask if you can sit down and don’t force conversation unless you can tell it’s actually wanted.

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Guys. We know when you are looking at us, and we know exactly what type of look. The point at which you worry you’re being a bit obvious always comes long after we have noticed. Romance is a part of being human. It isn’t going to go away any time soon. But it’s obvious when what is occurring isn’t wanted, isn’t being returned, and isn’t romantic. At this stage, you’re merely objectifying us, and making us feel very uncomfortable. Please don’t do this.

Pubs, bars, cafes

If there’s a spare seat then don’t take one next to a solitary female. If there isn’t, ask if you can sit down and don’t force conversation unless you can tell it’s actually wanted. Initiating a conversation at a bar is fine - but (as with the club) be aware of your audience and realise if your approaches aren’t wanted.

Clubs

Take the hint. There’s nothing wrong with showing interest or starting

conversations, but don’t carry on trying if it’s clear she’s not into it.

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Men wouldn't move random men by the waist when walking past them in a club, so don’t do it to women. Women don’t want strangers touching their waists, or for that matter, any other part of our body. It seems to be the norm when in a club to feel hands in places they absolutely shouldn’t be, with no idea who the hands are coming from - so you have to move. 

By absolutely no means, take the advice of the once President of the United States, under no circumstances should you “just grab her by the p***y”.

The gym/ the boot camp/ the class

Asking ‘Are you sure you are going to lift that?’

Proactively offering unwanted exercise advice/ technique guidance

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Don’t comment on her physique/appearance. Even if you’re trying to be nice, it’s going to come across wrong.

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It’s the gym. We’re hot. We’re sweaty. We’re flustered. We’re struggling for breath. We do not want you to try and pick us up. We’re here to get fit, not get hit on. A natural conversation might arise around the water fountain. We might even start it. That’s fine. But rarely will it be well received if you interrupt us to hit on us. 

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Women know when you are watching us exercise. Trust me, we have a sixth sense for it. We feel awkward, embarrassed, uncomfortable, and might even leave or avoid certain areas of the gym. It takes courage for a woman to enter the male-dominated weights section, something a man would not think twice about. So please treat us with respect and leave us be. Your attention is unwanted.

(Note from ES: Let’s not forget those running stats, either.)

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I think the gym (particularly anything to do with weights) falls into a camp with things like cars and DIY, where some men confuse presence with understanding. Typically, in the last few decades, there has been more of a male presence at the gym, the car garage, the DIY store, and in dealing with tradespeople. The mansplainers amongst men have decided women don't understand these things to the same degree as their own gender. But presence and understanding are totally different things. Just because women have been less present in these domains, doesn't mean their entire gender is incapable of understanding. Besides, perhaps women haven't been present because they weren't made to feel welcome, or were made to feel unwelcome? Perhaps it's because they were treated like they didn't, or couldn't possibly understand? A typical female customer arriving for an MOT is no different from a typical male customer. Yet there can be an entire language reserved just for women in domains like these. It's one that talks down, condescends, patronises. Sure, there may be a lack of knowledge, just as there may be with a male customer. The difference is when the customer is female, the male mechanic assumes both a lack of knowledge and a lack of understanding if provided the knowledge. He doesn't if his customer is male. Therein lays the problem.

Poignant observation from a male contributor

I found myself debating some of the contributions at the end of this article, as I read it. Initially, my knee-jerk reaction was, “well, that’s me being misogynistic”, and maybe it is. But I actually think what was causing the dissonance in my head comes down to empathy. All men need to learn to be more empathetic. Our culture so far hasn’t encouraged this. That doesn’t even mean read more stuff like this article, and listen more. We should do that stuff, period. It means we need to better understand what empathy actually is, and what it feels like.

I definitely struggle with that. To read the sort of contributions which are in this article, with an inferior amount of empathy, leads me to question things I know I shouldn’t.

Everyone’s experience is valid.

Everyone’s trauma is real.

Everyone’s opinion should be heard and understood.

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